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Orlando Magic Unveil Superlaser To Defend Superstars


After years of perennial playoff disappointment, the Orlando Magic recently unveiled the world’s second-largest laser to assist with their defense, NBA officials stated over the weekend. The JIWF (Just If We’re Fucked) laser stands over two court lengths in size, with the power of roughly nine Dwight Howard earth-shattering dunks.

The super laser, second only to California’s recent superlaser display, will protect the interior defense mostly from superstars; however, lesser players such as Wally Sczerbiak and Derek Fisher may avoid damage. “This superlaser is to prevent guys who are the go-to’s from getting to the rim,” assistant general manager Dave Twardzik told reporters. “We have harnessed a very powerful weapon for the playoffs.” When asked about the potentiality of the superlaser leaving for free agency, Twardzik said “We will deal with that issue when it arises.”

The JIWF laser is capable of puncturing through all body cavities of a superstar, otherwise known as an unstoppable player who has the potential of scoring up to and above 30 points a game. “We actually got the idea from Stan (Van Gundy), who is just a genius of all sorts. He came into the locker game after a rough loss to Dwayne Wade and the Heat, and just started yelling the word ‘laser’ repeatedly. The Magic labratory took over from there.”

The Magic plan on using the laser beginning in Game 4 of the NBA Finals, but players are worried the team might already be down 3-0 by that time. “It’s not a perfect weapon, and in fact, we are doing some testing on D-League teams for quality assurance. Last year, we had a successful test run destroying the sternum of NBA player Mark Madsen, but like I said, this was built to protest our interior defense against superstars and not hacks,” Magic scientist Waldorf McFlorgen explained.

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