The older we get, the grumpier we become. I hate LeBron James for the simple reason that he is two days younger than me, yet, he earns millions of dollars and probably owns a few islands as well (I only own one island – Galapagos. Ew, birds). Anyone that is younger and more capable than myself, I simply resent entirely. This will leave me as a very grumpy and spiteful old man in the future. I will probably resign myself from watching sports, and hustle others my age at bridge, parcheesi, or some other like-minded fogey game.
On that note, fuck this guy.
His name is Bryce Harper.
He is 16 years old.
He hits dingers almost 600 ft.
He throws a 95-MPH fastball.
SI has already proclaimed he is “the most exciting prodigy since LeBron James.”
So this is a guarantee he will become bored by baseball by the time he arrives to college. Who wants to play four years of college ball? Someone who wants a stupid degree? Lame. Earn some cash and get into football. That way, once you become a QB we won’t even have to curse you. You’ll become an all-pro and go on the cover of Madden, and then that curse shall begin.
We have no choice – we’re placing the dreaded curse of the Boone on Bryce Harper. It worked so effectively last time (sorry Zimmerman!), that it’s pretty much the only power play we got going. But we don’t want anything really bad to happen. We just want Bryce Harper to become really interested in canaries, or possibly become a missionary and depart to Senegal, or something of the like. This grumpiness will not subside, however, and I have to be pro-active.