Too often, we see baseball players as essentially different from the rest of us. In order to combat that trend, we at ChatterBalks have started Getting To Know You, in which we conduct informal interviews in order to humanize them. This time: St Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols!
ChatterBalks: Albert, we’re so thrilled to talk to you today.
Albert Pujols: It’s good to be here.
CB: So Albert, you’re good at everything.
AP: Did you have a question.
CB: What’s your weakness?
AP (laughing): I’d rather not say.
CB: We’d rather you did.
AP: Well, I do make an out about two thirds of the time. I’m pretty disappointed in that.
CB: So your weakness is that you play a sport where it is not possible to succeed every time you play.
CB: Are you sure it’s not Red Kryptonite?
AP: Red because I’m on the Cardinals?
CB: No, we just figured you’re stronger than Superman, so normal Kryptonite wouldn’t do anything. The crazy-makin’ stones are the only way to beat you.
AP: Actually, Kryptonite isn’t a real substance. The element krypton is one of the Noble Gases, so it doesn’t form compounds with other elements. I learned that when I got a PhD in Chemistry at Oxford over the winter.
CB: You got a PhD in Chemistry over the winter? Like, the entire degree over a period of a few months?
AP: Yeah, I meant to get one in Quantum Physics too, but I could only get a masters in that one. I just ran out of time.
CB: And you did it at Oxford. In England.
AP: Yeah. You know, I was bored.
CB: Is that all you did during the break between seasons? Seems like you were slacking off there.
AP: No, I also wrote the greatest novel in the history of humanity. It was so powerful that its beauty could reduce a man to quivering nothingness, unable to cope with his place in the universe. After reading that book, there was no use in learning anything else or having any new experiences, as none of them could possibly compare to my novel.
CB: Can I read it?
AP: No, it would destroy you. I had to burn every copy.
AP: Also, you forgot to use the royal we in that last question.
CB: We’re sorry that this interview doesn’t live up to your standards.
AP: Nothing has ever lived up to my standards, except for that one night with the Swedish twins.
CB: Was that the best night of your life?
AP: Yeah, they were freaky.
CB: So with all your talent and gifts, why haven’t you and George Clooney solved that thing in Africa?
AP: There’s only so much I can do. But how much have you heard about the civil war in Nigeria?
CB: There was a civil war in Nigeria?
AP: No. And you’re welcome.
CB: Before we go, what’s your favorite movie?
AP: Godfather 2.
CB: Damn. We really thought you were going to say The Natural.
AP: What? Why would I say that one?
CB: HA! GOTCHA! FINALLY SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW! CHATTERBALKS WINS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!