This site isn’t just here for the baseball fan. It’s also here for the baseball player. Let’s say your team’s been slumping and you need that extra spark to get going. Unfortunately, in this hypothetical situation the reason your team has been slumping is that you don’t have enough talented players to win baseball games above AA. So what do you do? We’re here to help.
Pretend To Be The Umpire
Look, you’re on the Mariners. You’re not beating anyone by playing fair. Besides, is it really fair that the Yankees buy all those players or that Bill Bavasi never ruined the Tigers or that the Rangers aren’t shitty? No, that’s not fair. So fuck ’em all. It’s not really cheating if you’re just eliminating an unfair advantage, is it? Absolutely not. So dress up as the umpire. When he sees you, the real umpire will be so confused that you can easily knock him out, tie him to a chair, and make calls to benefit your team.
The Old Uniform Switcheroo
Mid-series, break into the other team’s locker room and switch your uniform with that of someone on their team. He’ll see your uniform in his locker and immediately come to the only reasonable conclusion: that he was traded between games and that nobody told him because the manager and GM and team officials all think he’s a stupid jerk who will never amount to anything and he might as well just go away without talking to any of them because they hate him and he’d just be embarrassed. It’s basically the same logic that make romantic comedies so realistic.
So he’ll show up to your clubhouse and the guys there will be all “Now that you’re on our team, what signs does the third base coach give off?” Then he’ll tell you and BAM – your teammates hit him with the nasty truth about what just happened. He’s so embarrassed that he goes back to the hotel and pretends to be sick, thus depriving the other team of both one of their players and the advantage of managerial moves!
Cut Off Your Pitcher’s Arm
Now, it’s important to do this at the right time. You don’t want to waste your shot at this, since you’ll probably only be able to do it once. But what you want to do is, when you need a huge psychological advantage, cut most of the way through the arm and bone of the pitcher. But leave a small part of the arm attached. Then, when the pitcher goes out to the mound, he’ll go into his motion and the violence of his delivery will sever the arm, hurling it towards the batter and totally freaking him out. Psychological edge: attained!
Transform Your Opponent’s Locker Room Into A Bleak Futuristic Hellscape
You can only do this one at your home field. It’s hard to get access to the home team’s locker room when you’re on the road without raising a few eyebrows. Plus, you can get the employees at your stadium to play along. But here’s what you do: pick your favorite dystopian future and redecorate the visiting locker room in the style of that world. If you want to go with the Terminator movies, go with a killer robot theme. If you’re more a fan of Nineteen Eighty-Four, adorn the room with signs that say “Big Brother is watching you.” Then pick three members of the opposing team at random, kidnap them, kill two, torture one more until he breaks down, and never tell anyone what happened.
Trust me, the guys on the other team will start freaking out.
Bribe/Blackmail The Official Scorer And Get The Box Score Changed To Your Liking
Maybe just psyching out your opponent isn’t enough. Maybe you’re still on the Mariners. And maybe even with all that help in getting a mental edge over your opponent, you’re suffering from a physical deficit and you’re still not good enough.
Well, maybe he who controls the box score controls the past.
Find the thing that the official scorer loves the most. If he has it, take it from him. If he doesn’t have it, give it to him. He’ll be whistling your tune in no time. Sure, the other team might object, but who’s gonna know that you actually lost the game when the numbers say you won 7-3? It’s your word against theirs, and you’ve got baseball’s officials on your side.
*Note: This worked better before every game was on the radio or TV. Also it would help if no one went to your games, like if you were the Marlins or Nationals or something.