Thanks to correspondent Lee Barats for the following report.
The Cardinals finally got their star first-baseman the protection he desperately needs. General Manager John Mozeliak announced the signing of free agent Ghostrunner today, a move that will allow league home run leader Albert Pujols to hit in the fourth and fifth slots. “We’ve tried hitting Molina, Rasmus, and even Ankiel behind Albert, but everyone keeps pitching around him. With Pujols hitting behind Pujols, We’ve finally got Pujols the protection Pujols deserves: Pujols.”
The first baseman answered questions about his new, increased role. “Bout fucking time,” he said, “I’m sick of getting walked just ‘cause everyone knows Molina will roll his fat ass over on a slider and ground into a DP.” When asked about his new teammate, who will be running for all of his fourth-slot hits, he stated, “never heard of him.”
Ghostrunner, a largely station-to-station baserunner, is happy to be back in a major league uniform. In a press conference held Tuesday alongside manager Tony LaRussa, Ghostrunner declared his mission for the season. “I have unfinished business in this league. Incorporeal or not, I want a ring.”
When LaRussa was asked about Ghostrunner’s role on the Cardinals, he replied, “It won’t be much of a defensive dropoff at all to replace Ludwick in right with an ethereal entity.”