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GM Profile: Ned Colletti

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We here at ChatterBalks would like to get one thing straight: We think Paul DePodesta is a stupid nerd who uses computers for things (We’ve got your back, Plaschke!). He even has a blog. What a loser! So we were thrilled when the Dodgers canned his ass for having sex with an iMac (Note: May be speculation). And who did they get to replace him?

Why, one Neddington W. Colletti, of course! In order to showcase his genius, we have compiled this analysis of his major moves as Dodgers GM.

2005:

 

  • Named Grady Little as Dodgers manager. Obviously, the one key for any winning team is to have a proven winner in the dugout guiding the ship, managing the clubhouse, and leading the team. Sure, you could argue that at the time he was most well known for disastrously leaving Pedro Martinez in a playoff game too long, costing the Red Sox a trip to the World Series in 2003. But that argument ignores that Little’s a great baseball man! He knows the game and he loves the game, and that makes all the difference in the world. Verdict: Great move.

  • Traded Milton Bradley and Antonio Perez to the A’s for Andre Ethier. Suck it, Billy Beane. You and your VORP and your EQA and your ways to measure things with numbers. How can you measure heart, huh? Huh!? That’s what we thought. Verdict: Great move.

  • Signed Rafael Furcal to a 3-year contract. Here, Colletti signed a perennial Gold Glove winner to just a 3-year deal. How does he do it? Sure, you could say “He offered more money over less years than the Cubs, who were the second best offer.” Or you could also say “He’s never won any Gold Gloves. Do you look things up?” Another possibility: “He was terrible last year and now he’s injured. This isn’t all that great of a signing.” You’re all wrong. Verdict: Great move.
  • Signed Bill Mueller, Brett Tomko, Nomar Garciaparra, Sandy Alomar Jr to contracts. How could Ned Colletti have known that players with histories of being injured and terrible would continue to be injured and terrible? There was just no way to see that coming. Verdict: Great moves.

2006:

  • Traded Duaner Sanchez and Steve Schmoll to the Mets for Jae Seo and Tim Hamulack; Traded Jae Seo and Dioner Navarro to the Devil Rays for Mark Hendrickson and Toby Hall. So these trades weren’t all that great, considering Seo was awful for the Dodgers, Toby Hall was completely forgettable, and the team let Hendrickson go and received nothing for him and now he’s 7-2 for the Marlins. But the important thing is that they didn’t give up anything good. Besides Navarro and his .369 batting average this year. And Sanchez. But they did get a pitcher who’s 7-2 this year. Another win for Ned. Verdict: Great move.
  • Traded Edwin Jackson to the Devil Rays for Danys Baez and Lance Carter. Clearly, Edwin Jackson was never going to work out. Sure, he was 22 years old and had a history of dominating AA when he was 19, then was rushed to the majors and handled wildly inconsistently (Way to play Solitaire instead of not sucking at your job, DePoNerdSta!), but the important thing is that he clearly had nothing left. Getting an average reliever who could fill in as closer was exactly the move the team needed and certainly worth someone who could be an ace for years on a major league staff. Verdict: Great move.
  • Signed Takashi Saito to a minor league contract. Ned takes a trip to Mount Olympius and bitch slaps Zeus. Yeah, this move was that good. Verdict: Great move.
  • Traded Odalis Perez, Blake Johnson, Julio Pimentel and cash to the Royals for Elmer Dessens. Sure, he had to throw in decent prospects, and his return was two months of a below average reliever, but he got rid of Odalis Perez. That automatically makes this a great move. Verdict: Great move.
  • Traded Cesar Izturis to the Cubs for Greg Maddux; traded Joel Guzman and Sergio Pedroza to the Devil Rays for Julio Lugo. If the Dodgers ended up making the playoffs this year, then these were incredible moves. We’ll have to reserve judgment for now. Verdict: Incomplete
  • Made playoffs! Yeah, how many times did you and your computer make the playoffs, DePoRobotsta? Oh. Damn. Really? You’re sure you did? Well, now it’s a tie. 1-1. Verdict: Ned Colletti is an amazing human being.
  • Signed Juan Pierre to a 5-year contract. Finally, that tiny, awful player-sized hole in center field is filled. Good thing Colletti has Juan Pierre signed for 5 years. He wouldn’t want to have to go out and get a new center fielder every year, right? That sure would be pretty silly. Verdict: Great move.
  • Signed Jason Schmidt to a 3-year contract. What a move! Having watched Schmidt closely during his time in San Francisco, Colletti knows that he’s a gamer, an ace, someone who can outpitch anyone even if he doesn’t have his good 95 MPH fastball. Which he seems not to anymore. But he’ll get it back, right? It’s not like aging pitchers lose effectiveness and get injured all the time and only get 1 win through May of their second year with a new team, right? That seems wildly unlikely. Verdict: Great move.

2007:

  • Traded Wilson Betemit to the Yankees for Scott Proctor. Sure, trading a decent third baseman who can play anywhere on the infield for a reliever who’s been incredibly overused his entire time in the majors seems like it might not be the greatest idea, but your bullpen can never be strong enough. And with Grady Little at the helm instead of Joe Torre, Proctor’s bound to not pitch every day the way he did in New York, which would lead in all likelihood to a dead arm. Good thing that’s wildly unlikely, right? Verdict: Great move.
  • Traded a player to be named later to the Giants for Mark Sweeney. Because if there’s one thing that is without a doubt true, it is that Mark Sweeney is worth anything from anyone. Verdict: Great move.
  • Designated Brett Tomko for assignment; picked up David Wells. It takes a wise man to know when he’s made a mistake by signing Brett Tomko. But it takes a wiser man to know when he hasn’t made a mistake and a very washed up David Wells is simply a better option than his non-mistake signing of Brett Tomko. That’s the exact situation we have here. Verdict: Great move.
  • Claimed Esteban Loaiza off waivers from the A’s. This is a solid move to fill out the back of the rotation. Sure, it could backfire if he has an ERA over 8 this year and then next year gets released before June because he’s terrible and the Dodgers are on the hook for his entire salary, but what are the odds of that? Verdict: Great move.
  • Hired Joe Torre. Obviously, the one key for any winning team is to have a proven winner in the dugout guiding the ship, managing the clubhouse, and leading the team. Sure, you could argue that his success in the past was the product of a team that had many future hall-of-famers and steroid users. But that argument ignores that Torre’s a great baseball man! He knows the game and he loves the game, and that makes all the difference in the world. Verdict: Great move.
  • Signed Andruw Jones to a 2-year deal. Finally, that fat over-the-hill has-been shaped hole in center field is filled. And it’s a good thing, too. Without Andruw Jones, the Dodgers would be forced to play Juan Pierre every day in center. And that would just be a disaster. Verdict: Great move.

2008:

  • Designated Esteban Loaiza for assignment. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and admit Billy Beane made a mistake in giving Loaiza a big contract. It looks like now is that time. Verdict: Great move.

So there you have it: a complete and unbiased accounting of Ned Colletti’s many virtues as a GM. We’re sure that every move he makes in the future will be exactly this good and we can only hope that he proceeds without thought, measurement, or analysis of any kind. Baseball is about guts, not robotic winning machines that hit home runs every at bat and then have evil cyborg babies with our supple human supermodels. That’s what Paul DePodesta wants.

Thanks but no thanks, Paul. We’ve made our choice. We’re sticking with our boy Colletti.

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