Archive

Bavasi’s Escape

Today, the Seattle Mariners fired their GM, Bill Bavasi. As previously reported on this site, Bavasi’s job wasn’t the only thing in danger. The following is our interpretation of Bavasi’s final day in conveienient movie script form.

INT SAFECO FIELD. In a pitch-black seemingly endless hallway with only the tiniest amount of light trickling in from outside, a silhouetted figure sprints across the screen. He is followed by four robed figures, all equally ensconced in blackness.

The first figure throws the doors open and BURSTS OUT of the hallway into a dugout on the field. It is ex-Mariners GM BILL BAVASI. Quickly he wedges the door shut with one of Jose Vidro’s bats.

JOSE VIDRO: Hey! Why’d you use my bat?

BILL BAVASI: Well it’s not like you were using it.

From behind the door, we hear ominous CHANTING. A haunted look comes over Bavasi’s face and after initially just backing away in horror he starts running. Suddenly, Vidro’s bat SHATTERS and the door is opened once again. Four DRUIDS emerge, clad in dark brown robes. One of them points in the direction Bavasi has run. The others nod.

Suddenly, a figure from the dugout steps in front of the group with a bat in his hand. It is RICHIE SEXSON.

RICHIE SEXSON: Not so fast. You haven’t dealt with me yet.

The druids start to rush him. With a confident grin, Sexson cocks his bat, getting it ready.

The druids draw closer. Sexson holds his bat.

They run towards him. He stands prepared

(You know that thing in movies where through the use of elaborate cuts things that normally take 2 seconds end up lasting like 30 seconds on screen in order to build tension? That’s what happens here.)

The druids come into range of his weapon, and with a mighty effort Sexson takes his swing.

He misses.

Everyone stands around confused, so Sexson tries again. He misses again. He tries swinging normally, he tries swinging the bat like an axe, he tries holding it at the wrong end…but nothing works. The druids shrug and run off to chase Bavasi.

Bavasi runs up the stands and through the concourse of the stadium. He desperately searches the surrounding area when he hears the druids approaching. He dives into a merchandise booth for cover. As he is crouched behind it, he happens to look up and, upon seeing the item there, grins.

The druids point at the merchandise booth and stealthily approach. As they near it, they begin chanting again. Suddenly, Bavasi BURSTS UP from his hiding spot holding a GRIFFEY 24 jersey. Stunned, the druids jerk their heads away and fall to the floor. Bavasi rolls one of them over and takes his hood off. The druid keeps his eyes shut tightly. Bavasi pries one of them open.

BILL BAVASI: Look at it! Remember it! Feel it in your bones that the Mariners used to be…good.

ANOTHER DRUID: Don’t look! You’ll go blind!

DRUID: But it’s so beautiful!

He opens his other eye and gazes with wonder. A beatific smile crosses his face. Bavasi takes the jersey and walks away, secure in the knowledge that the druids cannot defeat him while he has it. Once he is out of sight, the three other druids open their eyes and gaze at their comrade. One of them checks his pulse.

THAT DRUID: He’s dead.

ANOTHER DRUID: Slain by memories of a happier time.

THE OTHER DRUID: Looking at that jersey is like staring at the sun…with your heart.

ANOTHER DRUID: With that weapon at his disposal, Bavasi is unstoppable.

THE OTHER DRUID: Did you like my analogy? That was such a good analogy, right?

TO BE CONTINUED!

Will Bavasi get away? Will he destroy the entire Seattle metro area? Will he team up with Dave Littlefield to create a master race of GMs who are terrible at their jobs? Tune in next time* to find out!

*Next time not guaranteed

© 2009 Chatterbalks.