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Ryan Braun: “Worst Prenatal Care Worker Ever”

BELLEVUE, WI - Maternity ward nurses at Bellevue Hospital, frustrated with increasing mortality rates, have told Brewers 3B Ryan Braun that he needs to “ship up and ship out.” Braun, a horrible fielder in his first year with the Brewers, has dropped over nine infants in the past month, giving him a Baby Fielding Percentage (BFP) of .896, only three points higher than his actual fielding percentage in 2007 of .893. “I don’t know what else to say,” Braun stated. “I’m disappointed in myself as both a nurturer of humanity and the 2007 NL Rookie of the Year.”

Five shifts ago, Braun’s inadequacies came into full view for head nurse Nancy Peldrum. “He was chewing on his medical gloves during a routine birthing, and when we brought it to his attention that his shoelaces were untied, he slipped bending over and knocked the pregnant women off her gurney. The kid is a moron.” As of now, the Bellevue Hospital has no immediate plans to replace Braun, as they are fully staffed, but they are scouting maternity prospects out of the Denver area. Ms. Peldrum re-iterated that the hospital has their eye on a “lanky SS prospect, a rookie who can really handle babies,” but was unable to say more about the situation as the contract is still pending.

Luckily, not all is lost for Braun. The hospital plans to shift the young 3B to the oncology wing, as he still has many tools the hospital can utilize. “Well, he’s actually really only good at hitting dingers,” says head surgeon Ronald Dapadeer. “Those cancer kids really love watching Ryan hit dinger after dinger, it really takes their mind off the chemo*.” Braun says he is still excited to perform duties for the hospital, as long as his glove doesn’t get in the way. On the baseball side of things, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost still plans on changing Braun’s position several times this season, until finally getting fed up and replacing everyone with dilapidated veterans like recently signed CF Mike Cameron.

*Dapadeer was shortly fired after ChatterBalks went to print, when Bellevue workers caught word that he was throwing slang ’round like “cancer kids” and “fatty fat fat intern bitches.”

© 2009 Chatterbalks.