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Three Outfielders

This is an extremely subtle metaphor.  Try to keep up.

Ah, late 2006. I remember it well. Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. Ben Stiller was electrifying moviegoers everywhere with Night At The Museum. And three California teams each signed a new center fielder. The Dodgers signed Juan Pierre. The Angels signed Gary Matthews Jr. And the Giants, after having been turned down by both of those players just because their team obviously wasn’t going to be good anytime soon, settled for Dave Roberts.

Three teams, three sulfurous piles of rotting garbage. But who would have guessed that the best deal out of all of them would be for Dave Roberts?

Now, let’s just be clear about something: Dave Roberts had no place on the Giants. Dave Roberts was released last week by the Giants because they had enough outfielders who sucked at hitting. Dave Roberts was absolutely a bad signing.

But while Matthews got $50 million over 5 years and Pierre got $44 million over 5 years, Dave Roberts earned a mere $18 million over 3 years. 6 million a year? That’s nothing. Despite Brian Sabean’s best efforts, the only hideously overpriced mistake of a signing his 2006 offseason will be remembered for is Barry Zito. What a relief!

So when I say that the Roberts signing was the best of all of them, it is only because Pierre and Matthews are such wastes of uniforms that they don’t deserve to breathe my oxygen. Pierre is especially well known for being the object of Bill Plaschke’s wet dreams despite an almost total inability to contribute in any way to a major league team, but Matthews is also amazingly incompetent. I mean, you know who got on base more often last year than Gary Matthews Jr did? Juan Pierre! And that guy sucks!

Gary Matthews Jr is the new perfect example of overpaying based on a career year right before a player is a free agent. He has been good enough to be a starting outfielder exactly once in his career, and it happened to be in 2006, just as he was due to be a free agent. Also, it was discovered that he was using HGH. Also, his production has fallen off a cliff since drug testing started, considering he just had the worst year of his career in 2008.


And now, the LA Times is reporting that Gary “The Black Jose Conseco” Matthews Jr is complaining about not getting enough playing time? I think the numbers speak for themselves. He should be happy he’s getting paid for doing absolutely nothing.

Gary, just think of yourself as a back-up QB or punter. That or find another miracle drug that’ll artificially inflate your stats for a few years until it gets banned in 3 to 7 years. I keep hearing the term “stem cells” thrown about as the savior of humanity. Maybe you should look into those.

And so what? So maybe Gary Matthews Jr took steroids. At least he recognized how shitty he was and tried to get better. This is America, people! You can’t blame anyone for that. What’s Juan Pierre ever done for his team? Ooh, he runs around a lot. Well, that’s real impressive, except to people with actual talent. And the people without talent go out and do something about it. But not Juan Pierre. Juan Pierre is a selfish asshole for not taking steroids.

That’s right, I said it.

Of course, there is one thing that Juan Pierre is good at: He’s fast. It’s pretty much the least useful skill you can have in baseball, but it is something. Gary Matthews Jr doesn’t even have that. He’s not good at anything besides being caught buying HGH. And that’s why he gets the stink lines in the picture at the top of this post. Because he’s garbage.

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One comment for “Three Outfielders”

  1. […] consider. But hey, there’s still a small glimmer of hope. I hear Brian Sabean and the Giants always need an outrageously overpaid veteran outfielder. Thanks for the memories Mike. Thanks for the memories. Blooper reels and SportsCenter “Not […]

    Posted by Chatterbalks | Yankees Deny Mike Cameron Exists | March 25, 2009, 6:33 pm

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