SAN FRANCISCO, CA – According to several news sources, the SF Giants have tentatively agreed to trade rookie stud SP Tim Lincecum’s shirt for an “unknown and awful third baseman.” Since Pedro Feliz died and went to “Baseball Heaven (Philadephia),” the Giants have been searching for someone to fill the position, and Sabean thinks the player is “shitty enough to start for us.”
As far as what shirt was traded, the Giants are keeping tight-lipped. ESPN analyst Peter Gammons projects that it was either a Big Dog-style tank top from the early 90’s, a Matt Cain jersey, or possibly one of many graphic “frat dude” tees most commonly worn by fraternity members.
According to Lincecum himself, it’s really no skin off his back. “Listen, guys. I can be overrated whether I’m wearing a shirt or not. Sabean is one of these guys who’s willing to trade literally anyone if it’s a good deal. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ray Durham got traded for a foot-long frankfurter. Now that’s a tasty deal.”
Giants nation can only hope that this forthcoming third baseman can be a miserable version of Matt Williams, or possibly even worse.