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Jim Leyland’s Smokehouse: “Eric Karros, Grow Out A Goddamn Moustache Already”

Hello folks. The name is Leyland, Jim Leyland. And I’m here to tell ya’ll about somethin’ that’s choppin’ mah balls.

There’s not too many varmints in this world who have the gumption to literally and figuratively go spittin’ in mah bazoo. But this Eric Karros, he is one flannel-mouthed horse’s ass. Well Karros, lemme tell ya somethin’: grow out a goddamn moustache already.

Men are made to have moustaches, along with some of them Latina women like Salma Hayek. Now, I started growin’ out this here ace-high moustache first thing out of the womb. But this Karros kid just doesn’t get the idea. I dunno if he’s been playing around with his queer friend Piazza too much, but he’s gotta buck up and grow out a hairy lip.

I did some reading up on this feller, and the only things he’s accomplished in life are a) win a ROY in 1992, and b) piss me the hell off. This kid can’t tell shit from applesauce, that’s for certain. This namby-pamby thinks he’s some kind of announcer on the portable screen device (editor’s note: television). Hell, I bet he’s even on the google. Listen pretty boy, buck the fuck up. If you need to splatter some Rogaine on that face of yours to grow something out, do that. Or I’ll personally come over to your house, shave your dog’s ass, and throw that right above your mouth.

Now it’s time for my weekly segment called “Fiddlesticks,” where I talk about things that don’t make sense to me.

Miguel Cabrera - If I had it my way, I’d put the kid on a treadmill until the next World War. But with this pussy (Tigers GM Dave) Dombrowski running the show, he gives the fatty a taco buffet twice a day.

Cell Phones - I use pay phones on a regular basis, and they work okay.

The Moon - If I want scenery, I’ll go to the titty bar and throw a handful of bills. Get that thing out of my sky, because we already got lights at Comerica (Park).

© 2009 Chatterbalks.