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Set The Doomsday Clock for 2:05 EDT

Let there be a pitching god. Please, someone…just…tell me that we will have an Indians pitcher who will sparkle in his first start of the year. I am an Indians fan, and have been sorely disappointed in the start to their season. I know that Arlington is not the most forgiving ballpark, but when you give up 17 runs in the past two games EVEN with a Cy Young winner going up Opening Day - that’s just goddamn disgusting.

But tomorrow, ladies and gentleman, tomorrow is a new day - a day for starting anew, a day to dispell all those meanie critics who say you don’t “care” enough, a day to look yourself in the mirror and yell out, “Yes, you can!”

Carl Pavano, please note that I am talking directly to you right now.

It’s up to you, my good friend C. Piddy, to dish up two nutritional servings of TRUTHBALL and reign down with furious vengeance on the Texas Rangers lineup.

Seriously, don’t eff this one up. I’ll tell you why: I may have made a bet four short years ago that stated you would have compiled over 60 wins by present day. Now, not to put too much pressure on you, but I need you to really deliver this season. Let’s call this season the one you need to pitch well in (specifically - 51 games that you need to pitch well in). Yeah, my family doesn’t mean that much to me, but I would like to keep them. It would mean a lot for you - Carl Pavano - to deliver in full tomorrow night.

Also, it’s not like I’m not gonna help you out here. This is a team sport, so I’ve been scouting the Rangers up a bit over the past few games. I  have figured out some ways to get around their lineup, and yes, it might be a little bit dirty.

Alright, so first, you need to start pitching left-handed. You might say to yourself, “Mike, that is really silly. Surely, I am a much better pitcher right-handed.” Answer: no, no you are not. The reason why you need to switch it up is because the Texas Rangers will bat Andruw Jones in the cleanup spot against lefties. So what you want to do is avoid batters 1-3. Then, and hear me out - get Andruw Jones to strike out into a triple play. Crazy, right? Wrong. Not crazy. Andruw Jones is awful, and with the right 86 mph fastball, you could slam the door shut on the first inning. The other four innings you kinda need to handle on your own to cinch up that big W for me.

And like I said, my family is somewhat important to me, and I don’t really look forward to trading them off to Somalian pirates. But, a bet is a bet. AMIRITE?

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